Killers - Zero Stars

Killers is a pretty appropriate title for this new Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl rom-com. They certainly are killers, but not necessarily in an active sense. They're passive killers, like the deep voice guy from the Saw films. Like Deep Voice Guy, they lock you into making a tough decision between being tortured by watching them go through all of the charmless motions of a poorly thought-out, high-concept, espionage-driven romantic comedy, or killing yourself to end your misery. Of course, no victim in the Saw films is innocent; they're all in that situation due to some awful misdeed. The killers in Killers are no different, only punishing those wicked idiots that agree to invest money and time on such an inevitably shitty film.

Valentine's Day - *

There are too many characters to keep track of in this year's Valentine's Day ensemble romantic comedy, appropriately titled Valentine's Day, and it seems that their only function is to be played half-assedly by a recognizable actor. Or that's how it feels anyway. Taking place over the course of one day, the screenplay weaves the lives of all twenty-two (thousand) characters in and out of each other's paths until they all intersect in some way: the gay football player's agent is in love with the newscaster who interviews the flower guy whose best friend is in love with a married guy who earlier bought flowers from the flower guy... and it grows tiresome pretty quickly. Director Garry Marshall uses all of this to his advantage, capturing the true essence of Valentine's Day, a day devoid of any genuine romance or charm. The film feels like a product from start to finish, resembling a cheap line in a greeting card more than an actual expression of endearment. The only authentic moment in the entire thing is when Jessica Biel calls for more chocolate, and Jamie Foxx yells out, "I'm the chocolate!"